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This whole monstruousity was originally conveived February through March 2001 by the members of The Big Note - a Frank Zappa YahooGroup. After an arduous gestation period, this site was birthed on April 11 2001. True to the essence of collaborative effort, these people are held responsible.

All content:
© TheBigNote 2001-2004
unless specified otherwise.
Speed will turn you into your parents.


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A casual quiz:
Hundreds, even thousands, of new species are discovered annually by zoologists. It becomes increasingly challenging for them to come up with names for all these newly discovered species. Consider a species of spider named "Draculoidus bramstokeri."
Can anyone tell me the name of a species of fish named after Frank Zappa?
NOTE: Since this is a casual quiz, there are no points, no deadlines, etc. I will post the answer when I get around to it.
OT Bonus Fun: See if you can decipher the meaning of the following (typed on a card, affixed to the door of an employee of the USDA, working in a fourth floor office at the National Museum of Natural History):
Vyizder Zomenimor
Orziz Assiz
Zanzer R. Orziz
Have fun kids!

It's an aquatic creature of the genus hydrozoa, from the family Coelenterata (includes anemone, hydra, etc.), called Phialella Zappai.
"I feel your boredom." - Bill Clinton, 1993.
"Hell, I'll feel your anything..." - later, same interview.
Yours in bioaquatic rapture,

What happens to the incorrect answers once the test is completed? Back when I was in school, we were never "taught" anything. We had to learn it ourselves. Out in the woodshed!
David Humphries; GoD

There may be fun! There may be prizes! Some prizes may be fun. Some may be surprised by fun. Some may prize the fun they felt when they were surprised…
Word has it that at least one member of TBN is having a birthday today.
Can anyone tell me who it is?
DISCLAIMER: Persons actually having a birthday today are ineligible for entry in this contest. For a complete list of winners, send a self-addressed stamped envelope and two hundred dollars in small unmarked bills to the lawfirm of Swill, Swills, & Swillery, 124-C41 Lower Wacker Drive, Chicago, IL 60609. Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcasting System, or with anyone named "Nanook." All rights reserved, or at least a little shy. Qualified applicants may be required to submit to a physical examination, including, but not limited to urinalysis, colonoscopy, and the sacrifice of your firstborn son. Have a nice day.

Who is Stinkfoot, aka Bromodrosis, aka Bob Marsch, ak47?

We have a winner! And, a loser! However, given that two out of the four answers submitted are correct, and the fact that one of those answers was first in line, we'll go with winner. The correct answers are Stinkfoot and ak47. The wrong answers are Bromodrosis (should be Bromidrosis), and Bob Marsch (should be Bob Morsch).
So congratulations to SOFA for his timely answer!
Also, congratulations to Stinkfoot for surviving yet another year in this fetid and festering hell we call life! Ain't it fucking great to be alive?

Many thanks for the greetings, such as they were. Indeed, the annual celebration of the momentous occasion of my birth is in full swing as I submit this missive...
Therefore, any incorrect spelling may be chalked up to "chemical misadventure" - as they say in the vernacular (somewhere they do, I promise).
Anyhoot, thanks again - and don't touch the's far too brittle.


I had to share this with the group; I'm sure someone would have found out eventually. Now, once I tell you this, you have to swear to keep it a secret - especially from that Ben Watson guy. News like this could send him to an early grave at best, or into violent multiple orgasm at worst (I may have reversed these; it's been so long since I had a multiple orgasm - violent, or otherwise - that it's actual impact escapes me).
Let's make this even more fun - a mini-quizlette, if you will:
Where did our own effzee attend college?
1. Hot Rats Institute of Technology
2. Close-cover-before-striking School of Diesel Mechanics
3. Grand Wazoo U
4. M. I. Thingfish
5. Orange County Community CollegeFor the answer to this, and other exciting questions (or just to peek at his adorable daughter Isabella), visit his site.

Oh, you lovable little dickhead!
That's about the ugliest webpage of all time (except of course the photo of my daughter :-) I made it over a weekend as a résumé for an internship for which I was applying, and haven't gotten around to changing it yet. But coincidentally, I was going to start today ;-)
No, I didn't get the internship :-p
And of course, the correct answer is "2"

Are you inferring, sir, that my cranium resembles a penis?
Because if you are - good call.

Let's just say... I've seen your pictures and the only thing missing is the hole in the top. Or, do you cover that up when you go outside?

I've told him and told him to wear a condom when he goes out, but does he listen?

No need to - it's got a skin flap, much like the blowhole of the great sperm whale (even my penis pate has conceptual continuity); I am, after all, a mammal.
A Mammal Boy. (Sung to the melody of "Mannish Boy" by Muddy Waters)
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) Now when I was a young whale
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) At the age of five-five-five,
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) My inventive mother told me
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) I's the greatest fish-thing alive.
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) But now I'm a mammal,
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) Way past twenty-one,
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) I want to tell you baby
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) I have lotsa fun.
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) Aint that a mammal?
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) I spell M.
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) A, child.
(Duh DAH da Dah Dum) MM - AL
smell your harmonica son...

I hear they advertise Sofa's dickhead in the back pages of the free press...


C. Everitt Koop & I wish to warn all TBNers that the newest zTrivia® Poll will conclude on Dec. 23 (to avoid the Holiday rush). Missing the poll can cause unsightly hair growth on the palms, according to Dr. God, and prolonged exposure to not voting has resulted in festering lesions of the upper thigh on some laboratory animals.
Yours in Public Health,

'Twas the day before Christmas And all thru the group,
Only Poodle was stirring - Out sniffing his poop.
His scooper was hung by the chimney, right there,
He'd just won the last poll and really didn't care.
Bald-headed John in his kerchief, The Grand Wazoo in his cap,
Had just posted a message - they'd had enough of this crap.
They told the old SOFA that he really shouldn't yammer
About voting the polls. But hey, did I stammer?
The latest one's posted for the week that's upcoming,
So hear SOFA's plea - and believe he's not slumming
When he asks one and all to log in their vote,
Lest he stop posting quizzes for The Big Note.
"We need more voters"; he was heard to exclaim
And he went so far as to call them by name.
We need DRagonfly, and Yellowshark, and Swifty and Mary,
And Tiger Roach, and Muffin Man, Mo, Curly and Larry.
The last 3 aren't members, but it don't really matter
To the portly old SOFA (can he get any fatter?)
And they heard him exclaim, as he ended this post
"Vote early, vote often" from one that loves you the most!
Burma Shave.

SOFA, you always get me so sentimental during the holidays. You may be one of the few people left who knows the true meaning of Christmas: a pagan festival co-opted by the Christians because they couldn't get the peasants to stop their heathen celebrations. What can I say? I guess I'll go and whip up a batch of the traditional Jalapeño Cranberry Sauce.
Did I say sentimental? Perhaps what I meant was semi-mental...

In case of a tie, here's how to break a tie in four easy steps:
1) Thoroughly soak the tie you wish to break in water.
2) Immerse the wet tie in liquid nitrogen. (use of tongs recommended)
3) Remove the tie from the liquid nitrogen (again, use of tongs recommended)
4) Drop it on, or hit it against, a solid surface.

Works on Poodles too.

I hope that never happens. I'd be all broken up about it. Of course I could always get a job with the Dave Clark Five, if they're still together.

Frank Zappa

More Amusing Musings?