The Hungry Freaks Cookbook - Part One

The Dangerous Kitchen
Yes, folks, we TBNites are in the Kitchen and we are Dangerous. Dangerously good cooks, that is. From the Simple to the Sublime to the Stupid (don’t try these recipies at home - the stupid ones, that is - they are marked for your convenience with an asterisk*) we have it all. Tested at the TBNURK (TheBigNote Utilitiy Research Kitchen) in the Hot Plate Heaven wing. Well, excuse me, but I must test out a new recipe involving a telephone booth, Aunt Jemima Syrup and a whole bunch of flies. Up up and away!! DebK

America Drinks and Goes Home - Beverages
Or, stay where you are and have a party!  

Red "Hot Rats" Apple Cider

1. 1 container of Apple Cider
2. 1 bag Red Hots

WPLJ
Take 1/2 cup white port (the cheaper the better), add 1/2 cup canned lemonade from the Quickie Mart, pour into a large glass, stir well and add ice (optional). Drink quickly and call your girlfriend.
DebK

Zoot Allures Appetizers
These recipies will whet your appetite for further Zappian delights

This one kinda mutates a little...

Any Kind Of Pain Dip

1. 1 yellow bell pepper (or whatever color you want)
2. 1 keenly peeled carrot
3. 5 habeneros (take stems off for better results)
4. couple slices of sweet onion
5. couple sprigs of cilantro
6. 3 yellow tomatoes (again or whatever color you want)
7. dash of lemon peel flakes
8. pinch of brown sugar (how come you taste so good)
9. 2 cap fulls Jim Beam or Jack Daniels (dump in both for real whang)
10. a pat of butter

That leads to...

Baked Bean Boogie
Dig yourself up a heaping bowl of your favorite baked beans - from scratch or can. I usually go with a big can of Bush's vegitarian style. Dump in the Any Kind of Pain dippy to baked bean mixture and enjoy.Also tastes good with well cooked black beans. That be the way I most often consume it.
YH

Soup and Old Clothes
One recipie serious and one not

Lumpy Gravy*
Open a can of condensed soup choose from the following:
Tomato, Cream of Mushroom, Green Pea, Bean with Bacon or WORST OF ALL a can of Franco American brown gravy.
Empty into a saucepan.
Dump in:
A lb of browned hamburger,OR a can of tuna fish, OR some canned corned beef OR a package of chipped beef. DO NOT drain the grease off of the hamburger or tuna.
Heat until barely warmed.
Pour over day old crackers or toast.
Take a plate of the stuff out to the living room. Turn off all the lights and settle down under a draped piano. Take small bites until you just can’t stand it anymore. Take leftovers and put way in the back of the refrigerator. Avoid assiduously until it grows green fur. Throw out.
*for entertainment purposes only, unless you really like this stuff!
DebK

Geez, only a week late. (Also have a veggie stew recipe we could submit sometime.) But here goes:
Latex Solar Beef Stew
Obviously, if you’re considering this, you’re not a vegetarian or Vegan. Good. Welcome, fellow carnivore. This is a pretty straightforward stew recipe, but other than the beef broth (which can be made fresh if you’re so inclined), all ingredients are fresh. The ingredient dimensions (minced, one-inch pieces, etc) are the result of much experimentation in our TBN-Sacramento Utility Research Kitchen – given the time involved in cooking, we find these dimensions work best for flavor and the all-important meat/vegetable texture – the size and timing allow the vegetable flavor to infuse the stew while allowing the vegetables to retain their character and flavor when you take a bite. Stew vegetables do not have to disintegrate! To that end, use full-sized carrots rather than the petite, pre-prepared variety, since those turn mushy. We found that tri-tip’s texture works extremely well – it becomes very tender, but doesn’t flake apart on contact; however, any inexpensive cut of beef will work provided the piece size is maintained. (Yes, that's right, folks -- size matters!)
This is not a "quickie" recipe (total time, start to finish,about 4 hours) – but at least 2 hours of that time is unattended simmering. Once the broth has been added, the vegetables can be prepared and refrigerated, allowing you to relax for an hour or two before further steps need to be taken – although we recommend storing cut potatoes in ice water to minimize discoloration. This recipe bears a favorite TBNSURK characteristic: initial preparation is somewhat involved, but once the prep work is done, all the prep mess can be cleaned up and out of the way well before the meal is ready, leaving only a couple of utensils, the pot on the stove, and the dinner dishes to deal with after dinner. At TBNSURK, we strive to make your life easier.
And, as always, if you have access and can afford it, buy organic!

1. ½ c. flour
2. 1 tsp salt
3. ¼ tsp pepper
4. 2 lbs beef tri-tip, cut into 1-inch pieces
5. 3 pieces bacon
6. 1 tbsp butter

1. 3 14-oz cans beef broth
2. 1 cup dry red wine
3. 2 bay leaves (fresh, if possible)
4. 2-4 cloves garlic, crushed

1. 4 medium potatoes, peeled, cut into 1-inch pieces
2. 6 good-sized carrots, peeled, cut into 1-inch chunks
3. 2 small (or 1 large) yellow onions, minced
4. 1 large green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
5. 6 stalks celery, cut into 1-inch chunks

1. 1 cup hot water
2. 4 tbsp flour

Uncle Meats, Thing Fish and Poultry
Fabulous Main dishes for the Young Sophisticate in all of us...

Burnt Weeny Sandwich
A Cleveland favorite since 1999
There are several things that are essential to have before even beginning to cook this truly excellent dish.
You must be very involved in a project or projects which consume a large amount of your time and are very intricate. Ie: composing lengthy musical passages, rehearsing musical numbers, creating large paintings, doing a production run of pottery, writing the important novel of the 21st century.

1. You must be of very moderate means and have a minimum of kitchen equipment.
2. You must be very, very, very hungry.

1. The hot dog or weeny (weenie). Obtain the very best weeny which will sweat and burn enough yet still stay firm enough. These can be either the delicatessen style hot dog which contains a mixture of meat products (mostly pork) and are pale in color and strung together. The other is a type of hot dog I have only found in Cleveland. They are all beef, but not kosher, red in color and bundled together in plastic shrink wrap. They are heaven in natural casings. If you must, get those terrible mixed chicken or turkey weiners. They are soft and barely palatable and don't even burn right. Note for vegetarians: You can use veggie dogs, but I am not guaranteeing results.
2. The implements. Tongs are nice, and keep your hands cool. If you are of moderate means, you won't have them, so use a fork. Use a pot holder or an old towel wrapped around the fork, but only after it getes hot. A fork will also pierce the weeny so that juices will run over your heat source, causing flash back. This can be desirable if you like your weenys very dark. Do tie your hair back, if it is long. Never cook Burnt Weeny Sandwiches in the nude.
3. The heat source. Do not, under any circumstances use a charcoal grill. This means you are not fulfilling the above requirments for creating the Burnt Weeny Sandwich and are just a diletant or worse, a yuppie. If you are using an open wood fire, you are a Boy Scout. The preferred heat source is the gas range burner. An electric element can be used as well.
4. The container or receptacle. By no means is a bun neccesary or even desirable. The very best wrapping is some cheap white bread of the Wonder or lesser variety. This will act as a sponge to soak up any drippings or burnt particles.

The execution of this dish is very simple. Open the package of weenys. (biting the package if it proves resistant is exceptable) Secure the weeny you select firmly on the fork. You must warm up the electric element beforehand for maybe 5 minutes. With the gas range you just turn the fire on when you are ready. Remember, to turn it ALL THE WAY UP! Now you are ready for the burning experience.
Here comes the tricky part. How close to the fire (or element) do you hold the weeny? This depends on whether you like your weenys rare, medium or well done. Another consideration is whether you want the weeny burnt on the outside, yet cool on the inside, evenly cooked all the way, only burnt in places etc. Also, how hungry are you and how much of a hurry are you in to return to your life's work? Experimentation is the key here.
Secondly how do you get it cooked all over? This is where the electric element has the advantage. Simply hold the hot dog over the entire element. You should not have to move it around too much, just rotate it, maybe hold the ends over the heat for a few seconds. With a gas burner, constant moving is neccesary (unless you are really in a hurry. I suggest eating them raw in that case) A back and forth motion as the skin bubbbles and peels back is the way to go here. When you finish one quadrant, rotate the hot dog to another uncooked side. Be sure as in the case with the electric element to up end the weeny over the heat source to make sure you have a proper all over burning.

To Serve:

Release your perfectly cooked weeny from its fork. Say ouch, since you have used your bare hand to remove it. Nestle your burnt weeny in the soft cushion of the slice of bread. Use no condiments, this is serious eating. Otherwise you will lose the full enjoyment of the Burnt Weeny Sandwich. If you are the manly no holds type of guy, just jam the weeny sans bread into your mouth.

Beverage Choice

The perfect complement to this delicacy is warm Coke or a quick slurp of milk right from the carton.
Now, for gods sake, GET BACK TO WORK!
DebK

MM7's "Eggs-centrifugal Forz" Cassarole

1. 1 doz. eggs
2. 12 slices of bread
3. 1 cup milk
4. 1 lb. Velveeta cheese
5. 1 lb. sausage (or bacon)
6. 1 large jar mushrooms
7. Spray one 8x12 cake pan.

The Melt From Utopia
(Warning -- if you are not fond of garlic, stop right now. Yes, you. This recipe isn't for the timid. Managua might be a good idea.)
A word or two regarding ingredients...Sourdough bread works best for all of the aromatic and flavorful possibilities to be fully appreciated, but sweet will do just fine. I specify Portobello mushrooms for their size, dense flavor, ease of use in this context, and meaty texture; however, Crimini will work as an alternative, and white will do as well. (If you use white, increase the garlic a bit to compensate.) Speaking of garlic, you can use the fresh pureed variety to save time; I'm not sure how quantities translate (minced cloves vs. teaspoons of puree), but I think the pureed stuff has that info on the label. Butter can be salted or unsalted, and the olive oil should simply be a good quality, basic olive oil; extra-virgin's flavor difference disappears in this recipe, so the extra expense is unnecessary.

Ingredients:

1. One loaf crusty French bread
2. 1 pound Portobello mushrooms, cut in 1/4 inch slices
3. 15-20 good-sized cloves of garlic, peeled and minced (trust me)
4. 1/2 cup (4 oz) olive oil
5. 1/4 cup (2 oz) butter
6. 1 lb. Mozzarella cheese, shredded
7. 1/8 cup (1 oz) Parmesan or Romano cheese, grated

... on to Part Two... »