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This whole monstruousity was originally conveived February through March 2001 by the members of The Big Note - a Frank Zappa YahooGroup. After an arduous gestation period, this site was birthed on April 11 2001. True to the essence of collaborative effort, these people are held responsible.

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TBN's Half-Price Family Night

Can anyone on this list provide me with the exact date of "The Big Note Half-Price Family Night"?
David Humphries glands of bobble-head dolls

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TBN'sH-PFN is an event so covert, so secret, so under-wraps, that not even the event organizers know for sure when it takes place. Unfortunately, the first event drew such a crowd of in-breeders claiming to be members of Poodle's family that actual members of his family were turned away for lack of room. This situation drove him into a petulant frenzy, wherein he burst into a crowded McDonalds in Corpus Christi and proceeded to lift his leg on several patrons - wetting many, and severely yellowing a few others - before Code Enforcement showed up and wrestled him to the floor. TBN was in its infancy then and almost collapsed from the bad publicity.
Yet we changed our soiled, collective diaper, and bravely soldiered on. Poodle voluntarily entered a 12 step program, and wowed the judges by walking down - most canines can only walk up. After his safe return to us, it was decided that all future TBN'sH-PFNs would have to be announced on a need to know basis. As none of us ever really needs to know, we accept this.
I hope this clears up some of the confusion.
SOFA

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What a timely request for information! The Big Note Half-Price Family Night will be held on June 18th, 2000. Come early! Bring the kids! Admission is FREE to all members and their families! (NOTE: Full-price families may attend as well, but at half their usual rate.) Hope to see you all there!
Furrily Yours, poodle
PS Please remember that this will be a FAMILY oriented gathering. Young children may be present, so please monitor your use of language accordingly.

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Will Big Note be providing the monitors?
David Humphries glands

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The monitors for this year's event will be provided by Keith Laumer.
poodle

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Damn it, Poodle, you promised that I could be one of the monitors this year! Here I already shelled out $127.39 for a XXXL lizard suit and you turn around and arrange for someone else to do the job.
Hey, I fully understand that last year was a mistake; I was fortunately able to return the Greek bull's-head mask for a full refund. But I checked the spelling this year before I purchased the costume and I'm sure there was no error (I've even included your personal terminology in this message). Jeez! The things I've done for this group and this is how I'm treated...
Thanks Pal!
SOFA

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I won't make you come crawling to me, SOFA. I think you just might be able to slither by this year. You can make yourself available as an "instant" monitor for those who simply don't have the time to read Mr. Laumer's entertaining book. However, due to the aforementioned presence of children, I suggest using no tongue. I'm sure you can still have a good time, though. Think of the tale you'll have to tell! As far as compensation is concerned, you will, of course, be paid scale.
poodle

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I have to say that, so far, this is the worst turnout for TBN Half-Price Family Night that I have ever seen! Isn't half price low enough? I mean, just what the hell do people want from a Family Night? Four family size electric roasters full of fajitas, sausage, rice, and beans down the tubes! (Not to mention all those flour tortillas and loaves of generic white bread.) Plus, Los Dos Gilbertos (performers of the world's finest conjuntos) had no one to play for but themselves and me. And after they had spent two weeks learning to play the tejano version of Let's Make the Water Turn Black! They were also working on Harder Than Your Husband, but had not finished in time due to translation problems. They already had a well-rehearsed version of WPLJ. Gilberto had even grown a white-man-hater just for the occasion.
I've already arranged to donate the twelve gross of Keep It Greasy imprinted condoms to the local Planned Parenthood clinic. I must apologize for going on about it.
It's just that it's hard to put a good face on it when you've worked so long and so hard on something. I mean, we're talking really long here. And very, very hard. I'm thinking I should probably keep a couple of gross of those condoms around, just in case... Let's just try for a better turnout next year!
poodle

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You brought it on yourself, you know. I tried to warn you, but would you listen? Nooooo!
I suggested that we pay members to attend, but did we do that? Nooooo! I suggested that we stick more with the staples rather than go ethnic (i.e., peanut butter & banana sandwiches, fried chicken & Ho-Hos¨, tripe, etc.), but did you heed? Nooooo! And did you really think those 2 Jewish guys could pull-off a realistic Tex-Mex evening? I suggested we use the brother/sister team "Spic & Span", but did anyone listen? Nooooo!
*I've already made arrangements to donate the twelve gross of Keep It Greasy imprinted condoms to the local Planned Parenthood clinic.*
We had condoms? I didn't know there would be condoms... Why not keep a case around, just in gross? Oh why bother; nobody listens to me...
In situations like this, I remember the old adage, "The road to hell is paved with Mothers of Invention".
SOFA

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I'm wondering..What the hell is Half Price Family Night? You sit around a campfire, Sofa whips out a mandolin and you all chant 'Let's make the water turn black' till the sun comes up? A re-enactment of 200Motels, with Poodle passing round some of them wholesome IronSausage hotdogs? Two industrial vacuum cleaners for the price of one? What? I'm wondering...
yellowmudshark

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As you probably saw from my whining post about lack of attendance, those weren't our plans for this year's event. However, I think those are excellent suggestions for next year! Would you like to chair a committee?
poodle
PS In retrospect, I can't believe that I failed to include burnt weenie sandwiches on the menu!

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It was my understanding that one could purchase families for half price.
david humphries glands of destiny: and if you order my family now, I'll throw in two turtles, a cat, and a whole deck of Pokemon cards!

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Hmmm... Okay throw in a coffee table, and a copy of 'How to Breed from Your Poodle' and I'm in for next year's Half-Price Family Night.
I have another suggestion for next year: how about a fun evening of ritual Ben Watson book burning?
yellowmudshark

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Were it only that easy, Yellowmud. You see, half-price family night was once a celebration of life, of family, of good wholesome American values... Values, you say? Hell yes, we had values. What else would you call a family for half-price, but a value? And we had scads of families to choose from - all different colours (your welcome, BS) and sizes. Why I remember the first TBNHPFN I attended. I almost purchased a family of 5 from Madagascar, until Poodle took me aside and showed me the error of my ways. Oddly enough, I haven't seen it since; but I digress.
I got my half-price family in '95. For the most part, I've been quite happy with it. Even tho' my youngest has 6 toes on her left foot, a cauliflower ear, a pronounced stutter, pop-bottle glasses, and is dumb as a can of stewed tomatoes ( she's lydexic - reads words from the inside out; very tragic indeed), I would have to admit that I'm happy. But the unfortunate fact is that the families have fallen in quality over the last few years. I held out for my family until the price was more to my liking. We're not perfect (see above "youngest" comments), but we're not dysfunctional...
I'm one of the lucky ones. I got my family when there were still quality families to be had. The families that are available today are rife with internal stress, drug dependency, and abysmal fashion sense. Tho' the half-price night is still a value, it's no bargain...
Still, it's kinda nice to mingle with the old school... Yes, I do bring my mandolin and we have been known to kick up quite a cloud of dust; there's even the odd "hi-ho Sliver".
I really like your idea about the Ben Watson book burning. But it goes against a personal belief in the sanctity of the written word. And with Poodle and David in the book business, it might cause some discomfort. Might I suggest we burn Ben Watson? We could burn Ben in effigy. I don't think we ever had the TBNHPFN in Effigy. The closest we've ever come is Clarkston...
SOFA

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You match my sentiments on this matter exactly, SOFA! With regards to burning Mr. Watson in either Effigy or Clarkston, it may prove unnecessary. There is some evidence to suggest that he may already be fried. And considering the seemingly great depth of his insight, he may be deep-fried.
On a related topic, you may be aware that, in an effort to stem the tide of violence against women, many cities and states have established what are known as Battered Women Shelters. Being a native Minnesotan, and having seen the glee with which small aquatic creatures are deep-fried and consumed in mass quantities at annual smelt fries, I would like to suggest the establishment of Battered Fish Shelters.
It's bad enough that these small and relatively harmless creatures are caught, killed, cooked and eaten, without the added indignity of being dipped in batter. It's as if they are saying to these fish, "You're not good enough the way you are. Something additional is needed before you can be deemed acceptable." Admittedly, they are dead at the time, and so have never made any protest, formal or otherwise. But that doesn't mean that the word doesn't get out to there still-living relatives. Think what this can do to the fragile self-esteem of these tiny fish! I have it on good authority that some of them become so despondent that they don't even find it worthwhile to swim DOWNSTREAM! Many of them simply languish in whirlpools or small eddies, spinning slowly until they finally die of starvation. But, it's not really starvation that is killing these poor souls. It is the bleak view of their stark future driving them to the depths of utter despair.
Won't you please help? When the volunteers come to your door asking humbly for a small donation to establish or maintain a local Battered Fish Shelter, please give generously! After all, these small fish give their very lives for your sustenance. The least you can do is to donate a fin. Thank you for caring...
poodle

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I dunno Pooh... Tho' I heartily agree that the smelt's lot is a lowly one, I'm not sure I could throw all my support behind such an idea. Now beer-battered women; there's something I could really sink my teeth into. But, that's just me, of course. Save the Ales!
SOFA

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When I posted the message about the Battered Fish Shelters, I sent out a slightly edited version to a few friends. One of them sent the following reply (with my reply to that following):
When someone comes to my door asking for contributions for the battered fish shelter, I tell them the truth. I give all my money to the children of chickens' foundation. What is done to those poor innocent eggs is unbelievable. And it is more wide spread than fish battering. We batter eggs, whip them, and wait until the perfect moment when their foam is distressed before we actually kill them with searing heat. It's an atrocity.
(Response)
I understand your feelings about eggs, but I think the thing about them being fried may have been started back in the early sixties by the eggs themselves. They went through a phase where they would hurl themselves into a hot pan. Apparently, it was their method "mind alteration." (sort of a "this is an egg on drugs" thing) Of course, after many years of experimentation, they found out it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. But, by then, it was too late; humans had already found out how good they taste with butter and cheese and the like. Much of this is covered in the as-yet-unpublished Alan Paton book, "Fry, The Beloved Country Omelet," rumored to be coming out posthumously next year. Perhaps that publication, should it occur, will be the dawn of a new era, a time when everyone will say, "Eggs; they just not for breakfast anymore."
Poodle

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Hello Boys, How's it going, eh? Sorry I missed Half Price Family Night. I was planning to attend but someone told me the line-ups for all the events were atrocious so I decided to feed my fish that day instead.
With Love and Adoration to All,
Mary

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Boy, now I feel really stupid! Someone told me that they were doing bodacious lines at the event - which is why I stayed away. You know me: Mr. "Just-say-no-especially-when-you're-talking-overpriced-spirit-robber". BTW, Nancy says hi and the mister says, "Is that you, Bonzo?".
SOFA

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Perhaps someone on this list can recommend a bibliographic reference for "family values." All my pricing guides for families seem to have mysteriously disappeared. I'm not blaming anyone. YET! Yeti, what are you?
David Humphries glands of destiny: dis is functional.... but dat ain't.

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Hmmm. Good question. I have a USFA blue book, but it's very dated (haven't shopped families since the early '80s) and it's a used family guide - not new. I checked Consumer Reports, but the only pertinent section was for edible families (found mostly in darkest Africa or the Andes; it had a Donner cross-reference). My internet search led to a site run by someone named James Dobson - I don't think this guy would know a good deal on a family if it bit him on the ass.
This might require the efforts of everyone in the group. If we all researched this, we might come up with enough info to make sense of it. Or not...
SOFA

Frank Zappa


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