It Must Be A Camel & There's A Bathroom On The Right

Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if she would bring her a cigarette when she came back. "That's no problem, dear." And pulling a condom from her halter, untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches. "That's clever. What do you call it?"
"Why, it's a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store."
Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the druggist for some condoms. The druggist looked at the packages of various quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted. "Oh, big enough for a king sized Camel!"
Big Swifty

Hidy-ho, I thought this joke might go over well with this group:
Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and, the instant she sees him, she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied. He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around" :?)
effzee

A particular message I sent earlier does not exist. For that reason I did not send it and it cannot be read. I am not saying any of this. I don't even exist. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Nobody

:::

I'm listening to Camarillo as I'm typing this. A thought struck my mind (no need to alert the media though): In the beginning, when Zappa sang "she had grey-green skin", I mistook that for "she had gravy skin". So, I'm wondering if any of you initially misunderstood any FZ-lyrics, to discover only later that your imagination had taken over?
yellowmud

The problem with FZ is the real text is usually weirder than the mistaken text. In Titties-n-Beer, I thought he MIGHT have been saying "He had a red suit on, and a little beak, a little pointed tail and like a soaper eek". I knew that wasn't right. Luckily for us, FZ was diligent about providing the lyrics to almost all of his albums. Or is it ALL of them? Without the text, I have little chance of catching all the words. They usually turn into melodic, if somewhat rickety and off-key mumblings.
effzee

On Cosmik Debris, I thought the lyric was "no cure for asthma" instead of "look here, brother," probably due to the earlier mention that "it'll cure your asthma, too."
poodle

The Ikettes on Montana threw me for the longest time. It wasn't until Poodle Play that I cleared a lot of that up... The lyrics were not available with the US release of Apostrophe (').
SOFA

What part is that?
effzee

At the remote possibility you're NOT joking: "I'm riding my tiny horse; his name is mighty little, he's a good horse."
SOFA

Well, if you would have said the female chorus part, I would have known what you meant. Why "Ikettes"? It's not Ike on helium, is it? I always thought it was a group of unfortunate gospel singers...
Actually, along the same lines, I used to think FZ said, "Well I just might grow me some peas, but I'd leave the sweet stuff..." Never understood what the hell that was suppose to mean... till I read the lyrics, of course.
effzee

The "female chorus part" was done by Tina Turner and her two back-up singers - known collectively as the Ikettes. FZ was recording the album at Ike Turner's studio. He was amazed when he found out he could hire them for scale. I think the girls were paid $25 each for their contribution to the record.
Funny, I always thought he'd said "grow me some bees"...
SOFA

I thought it was "beans"! No kidding!
yellowmud

I read somewhere that Ike Turner was the one who insisted that Frank only pay the Ikettes $25 for the session. He didn't want Frank to pay any more than Ike 'hisself' paid, and possibly cause a RIOT... Also, the story I read talks about how the "I'm plucking the old dental floss..." chorus took LOTS of takes... finally, one of the women 'hit it perfectly' and was able to 'get' EXACTLY what FZ was looking for... It really is a pretty amazing lyric, with more amazing music.
Zet

OK, but what's the deal with this really small font? (or is it just me?)
The Grand Wazoo

*OK, but what's the deal with this really small font? (or is it just me?)*

WHAT SMALL FONT?
SOFA

Hats off to the chap who commented on the small fonts. It is such a bother to strain one's eyes to read the teeny type. Can't someone invent some sort of device that would grant us older....more seasoned.... citizens the ability to see small items more clearly? Ideally such a device would rest on one's nose and have two horizontal magnifying glass lenses for each eye. It could be held in place with a strap attached to a hat....or some sort of duct tape. The fellow who sorts this seeing eye problem out will surely garner the thanks of thousands, and maybe even pocket a bit of extra dosh as well. I hope some of you young people will discuss this matter with some of your more scientifically-minded friends. The solution is out there. I'd help you look for it, myself, but I have a hard time seeing.....
David Humphries; Glands of Destiny: coulda shoulda woulda, can't won't font