Prelude Part I
Lumpy Gravy Pt. One: Thrill of Victory, Agony of the Feet
Hi again... Jack Bivouac, here. The following are some early stabs at the Lumpy Gravy. Some, like the first, were successful. Others... well you can judge for yourselves.
First new prospect in the hunt for new members...
Initial Comment: "Zappa is the king, wouldn't you agree?"
::: First attempted contact
What? Are you in, Zane?
Just what is Frank Zappa the King of, might I humbly inquire? If you feel that you may have received this e-mail by mistake, and wish to be removed from the list of the most-sincere-god-fearing-toe-tapping-finger-snapping-pig-snorking Frank fans that ever littered a web page, respond with REMoooooV as the Subject Header.
::: First response
Well dude Frank Zappa is the king of modern day composing for one. But, on top of this, he is the king of guitar solo rock, with a mind-blowing style. He is also the king of freaking out!!!!!! Who are the brain police anyway, because I have a missing brain I'd like to find?
I hope this answers your question. I have been told I look like him. What do you think? This is Tim and me; we are both big Zappa fans! Oh yeah, one more thing: "I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY OUT TO LUUUUNNNNCH"
::: Second attempted contact
These responses lead me to question your zanity...
*Who are the brain police anyway, because I have a missing brain I'd like to find?*
Okay, that's better.
*I have been told I look like him. What do you think?*
Hmmm, I see... Don't worry Zane, Frank had that horrible growth removed after his fall from the stage of the Rainbow. Yes, it's going to be all right.
*Oh yeah one more thing "I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY OUT TO LUUUUNNNNCH"*
Now yer talking...
Okay. You've past part one of the "initiation" (heretofore known as Lumpy Gravy). Now allow me to introduce myself (bring the band down behind me boys). My name is SOFA, but you can call me SOFA. I am a member of The Big Note (heretofore known as TBN) and we are an ICQ interest group concerned with all things Zappa. Our groupmaster, the omnipotent Poodle, asked me to contact you in response to your interest in our group. The great Poodle has his mind wrapped in vital canine cosmic truths, and is too busy at present to respond. As I am the COUCH potato of the group, the duties fell on me (or was it the doodie that fell on me? Hmmm.).
Anyway, the great and powerful Poodle has heard your plea (pay no attention to that small dog behind the curtain). And he has every intention of granting your request. But first, you must perform another task in the Lumpy Gravy. We sincerely hope that your interest has not waned...
Lumpy Gravy part two: What is your favorite FZ disk and why is it the best thing ever recorded?
I await your response. Answer carefully and don't go outside the lines. The white zone is for loading and unloading only.
::: Third contact
If I offended you somehow, I apologize. It looked like you had an interest in our Zappa ICQ group. I hope you still do. I assume that the holidays are keeping you too busy to respond...
This is the last contact that I will generate without a response.
::: Second response
Hey Sofa! Don't worry man; it takes a lot more than that to offend me - and yes I wanna be a member, hardcore!!!!
In answer to your question, I'm gonna have to go with Hot Rats for the best album of all time. First of all, for the sheer quality of music - that album is groundbreaking stuff, for sure. And I'm also a big Beefheart fan, so that's just the icing on the cake! "Man In a suit with a bow-tie neck, wanna buy a grunt with a third party check". Classic man!!!! Anywho - yeah, I was really busy for Xmas. I just got back from Vancouver and my mind is shot!!!! SO GET BACK TO ME
::: Fourth contact
That was probably the best answer I have ever received to that question (besides being the first answer I've ever received to that question). I am recommending to Poodle that you be named a TBN member. You should be hearing from him in a day or three.
Congratulations! It's only a matter of time...
Not bad for his maiden voyage, huh? But, it wasn't all smooth sailing. Read the next attempt - which was deemed unsuccessful.
The second interview of a prospective member.
Initial Comment: "zappa is the ultimate music"
::: First attempted contact
How is your English?
Can you converse with Americans?
::: First response
::: Second contact
Can I take that as a no?
As you can see, my boy SOFA wasn't always going to have an easy job recruiting new members to TBN. But, he sure was determined! He didn't let that last one get him down, no sir. In fact, it took several more just like it to make him manic... It's sad, really...
But the boy sold Encyclopedias door-to-door to put himself through college. I guess that training, coupled with a stubborn streak (he gets from his Ma's side of the family), and just a little bit of stupidity made him even more focused on the task. He's under a doctor's care now, and doing much better...
Until next time,