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This whole monstruousity was originally conveived February through March 2001 by the members of The Big Note - a Frank Zappa YahooGroup. After an arduous gestation period, this site was birthed on April 11 2001. True to the essence of collaborative effort, these people are held responsible.
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HERE IT IS! The Frank Zappa Celebrity Photo-Fantasy from the April, 1984 issue of Hustler Magazine. All text transcribed without permission. All capitalization and punctuation is as it was printed.
Here's just a little "Background Information":
The Story of the Thing-Fish masks:
THING-FISH is beyond a doubt the most bizarre pictorial ever to appear in HUSTLER. As the magazine announced from its cover: "FRANK ZAPPA DIRECTS OUR 4th CELEBRITY PHOTO-FANTASY It's Big! It's Bizarre! It's Zappa!"
01. Marquee Poster
[Cover Page...Movie Poster format]
Based on scenes from the impending Broadway musical, starring Ike Willis as the THING-FISH, Annie Ample as RHONDA, Robert Axelrod as HARRY, Phil De Carlo as THE UNKNOWN ITALIAN, with SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' and THE CRAB-GRASS BABY as themselves.
Original Soundtrack Album Available On BARKING PUMPKIN RECORDS, P.O. Box 5265, North Hollywood, CA 91616-5265
02. Front lawn of an unknown Italian
The front lawn of an UNKNOWN ITALIAN, somewhere in New Jersey, Christmas Eve 1983, 11:26 p.m.
03. Disgusted with her husband's bizarre fixation
Disgusted with her husband's bizarre fixation, she attempts to reorient him with a shameless display of ornamental fatty tissue, shouting: "These are my tits, HARRY...my wonderful, wonderful tits...I'm going to pretend I'm squirting them on you! Wooosht! Pssht! Fwsssht! Almost Gotcha!"
04. The unknown Italian worries
The UNKNOWN ITALIAN worries that behavior such as this will have an adverse effect on property values in his area.
05. Stimulated, Harry begs
Stimulated, HARRY begs: "Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh! Pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!"
06. Thing Fish remarks
When HARRY was a boy, he used to fuck the flamingos near the steps.
07. Antics on the lawn
08. "Jesus! That was terrific!"
"JESUS! That was terrific! I've never experienced anything quite like that in a theatre before, RHONDA!"
09. After dropping his imaginary load
After dropping his imaginary load, HARRY and his beloved enjoy a couple of Marlboros.
10. While assisting with the lubrication
While assisting with the lubrication of the enormous vinyl salami, he suggests that, out of respect for the clean-living, wholesome, all-American fellow who urged him to call for THE BOOK, any hint of "hair that smells like shrimp" must be concealed behind a small cardboard box.
11. Rhonda thinks it's a good idea
RHONDA thinks it's a good idea and announces: "I have my briefcase, HARRY... it's right over there...see it?
12. "I have my briefcase, Harry..."
It's BIG...it's BROWN...it's full of business papers from MY CAREER! I'm going to put my glasses on! I'm going to put my hair up in a bun...and then I'm going to FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
13. Baby arm glasses and hamburger hat
As if she had uttered THE MAGIC WORD, a discarded aluminum billboard refused by Elmer Valentine materializes behind her big, brown briefcase, showing Pat at the exact moment he discovered HIS OWN "personal relationship with God."
14. Pat Boone's airbrushed replica
While THING-FISH pretends that RHONDA's fountain pen tastes like corn-on-the-cob, Pat's airbrushed replica attempts a rare form of one-dimensional sodomy as practiced by retentive savages in Virginia.
15. "I'm sucking the handle now!"
Relieving THING-FISH of his burden, RHONDA exclaims:
16. Fountain pen antics
17. More fountain pen antics
18. ... and one mo 'gin.
HARRY replies: "For chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no shame? Keep your briefcase closed...all your documents are falling out! Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren't they, dear? Don't you think there'll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?"
More Graphic Effect?