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This whole monstruousity was originally conveived February through March 2001 by the members of The Big Note - a Frank Zappa YahooGroup. After an arduous gestation period, this site was birthed on April 11 2001. True to the essence of collaborative effort, these people are held responsible.

All content:
© TheBigNote 2001-2004
unless specified otherwise.
Speed will turn you into your parents.


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The Modern Day Consumer Refuses To Die

Here are some examples of why we believe the human race has evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

  • On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
  • On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
  • On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)
  • On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
  • On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those five-year-olds off those forklifts.)
  • On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
  • On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
  • On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
  • On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (OK, now I'm curious.)
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (But no peas?)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your stump if you've tried this one...)
  • On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh, go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal, childhood fantasy! Thanks a lot!)

Frank Zappa

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