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This whole monstruousity was originally conveived February through March 2001 by the members of The Big Note - a Frank Zappa YahooGroup. After an arduous gestation period, this site was birthed on April 11 2001. True to the essence of collaborative effort, these people are held responsible.

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Girl, You Thought He Was A Man, But He Was A Monkee

(Culled from numerous wire service reports)

       Indian monkeys are running riot and no one will complain because of myths surrounding the animals. Some people are said to feed the monkeys just to help keep them at bay. The town of Noida in Uttar Pradesh is under siege from monkeys who raid fridges, uproot gardens and attack hospitals, pets and people. However, due to the myths associated with the animals, no one wants to make a complaint, according to a local forest ranger.
One incident in a hospital saw monkeys chase a patient and attendants out of a room. A security guard was called in to scare the monkeys out by banging a large stick on the floor. In another incident, the monkeys pulled a heavy lid off a water tank and let it fall on a car below, severely damaging the vehicle.
"The importance of monkeys in the Indian mythology makes people virtually invite them and offer them food. The monkeys here have almost taken free meals for granted," said forest ranger Bhoodev Panwar. "The monkeys even send out scouts to check out possible raids and once they locate one, they bring several other monkeys along."

     Indian police have been inundated with reports about a 'monkee-man' attacking people with 'iron claws'. Ghaziabad, near Delhi, has been rocked by 'monkee-man' rumors after similar tales circulated in the city of Vijaynagar. There are also reports of people wearing Monkee masks to scare others.
The Hindustan Enquirer reports that residents have been losing sleep, and even firing shots in the air to scare off the rumored beast. Panic caused by the weird monkee-man has grown in the Indian town of Ghaziabad following more attacks and sightings. The latest victim was housewife Shamir Begum, 30, who fainted after she came across the monkee-man prowling on her terrace yesterday. When she came to, he had gone.
Since April 28, more than a dozen people have been treated in hospitals for fractures, or deep scratches, caused by the monkee-man - or by falling as they flee from him. Some claim the Monkee-man is a beast, and others a man wearing a Reese's Monkee mask. While the 'monkee-man' ambushes residents, police say he seems to have no motive of either robbery or sexually assaulting them - though he always checks the victims' record/CD collection before leaving the scene..
Local media reports suggest that the streets of the town are deserted, with shopping arcades closing before sunset. Many families have also sent their children away from Ghaziabad, while office workers have stayed at home. Ghaziabad police chief Prashant Kumar, who believes someone is causing mischief wearing a mask, says: "There is certainly absolute panic in the city." Last week, police arrested a man for wearing a Reese's Monkee-mask to scare people, but he claimed not to be the man police are looking for. The suspect said he had worn the mask only to copy the 'monkee-man' in the news. The attacks and sightings have continued since the suspect's arrest.

      Indian police say anyone who sees the 'monkee-man' (who has been terrorizing householders) should shoot him on sight. Descriptions differ, with recent reports saying he's around four and half feet tall and painted silver (probably Davy). Other reports say he's dressed in black, while others say he covers himself with white bandages - possibly due to numerous shaving nicks.
Meekut police spokesman A. K. Jain told the Hindustan Enquirer anyone who sees the attacker should shoot him. "Every individual has the right to self defense." he said.
In Didri, doctor's wife Chandrawati Singh reported an attack in her home. She said: "He was dressed in white. He seemed to be covered in bandages like a mummy. Only the large, frightening eyes were visible. He continually mumbled something that sounded like jill-ette."
Reports are circulating in India that the 'monkee-man' attacker is an extra-terrestrial or a remote-controlled robot. Delhi's Joint Commissioner of police Suresh Roy says there were 12 confirmed attacks in the northeast of the region last night. Local officials told The Hindustan Enquirer they suspect the 'monkee-man' is an alien or a robot. "No way he could look that good after all these years - he HAS to be an alien" claimed one official under condition of anonymity.
The attacker has struck 65 times. Adding to the sense of crisis, a man has reportedly leapt to his death from a building in Noida, when he heard cries of " Hey-hey, we're the Monkees".
Incidents have mainly been in New Delhi, Ghaziabad, and Noida. Toddler Naved Khan, 3, and toymaker Vinod Kumar Yadav, 19, were among the latest victims in New Delhi.

      Differing descriptions of the half-monkee, half-human creature have been given to police. His height varies from four-and-a-half to six-feet. He's also reported to have worn a helmet, a mask and bandages, or a dark stocking cap (probably Mike). Witnesses say the 'monkee man' has a "mop-top, monkee-like head" and "the face of a monkee".
Mr. Roy said: "Doctors say the injuries have not been caused by humans and animals. They have described the blunt injuries caused as due to pointy objects.", Mr. Roy told the Hindustan Enquirer. Police are drawing up an elaborate plan to catch the attacker. He denied reports that shoot-at-sight orders have been issued.
Indian police have issued pictures of the Monkey Man killer (See pictures), amid reports he has claimed his second victim - a pregnant woman died after falling down the stairs at her East Delhi home as her family fled from the creature.
Officers in Ghaziabad are offering to pay £75 to anyone who can capture the Monkee-man on film. Around 1,000 officers are involved in the search. Vigilantes are taking to the streets frustrated at the police's failure to catch him.
In Noida, a mechanic wearing a black outfit and fitting a description of the Monkee-man was beaten up. A second man was attacked for apparently performing "mystical formulations" to a boom box blaring "Pleasant Valley Sunday".
Some witnesses say the failure to capture the Monkee-man is explained by his ability to make himself invisible - especially during commercial. Deepali Kumari, from Noida, said: "It has three buttons on its chest. One makes it turn into a monkee, the second gives it extra strength, the third makes it invisible."
"He touches a lock and it breaks", said Kumari. "But he is afraid of the light."

      A zoo director says India's feared 'Monkee-man' can't be an animal. Delhi Zoo director B. S. Bona said it is not an ape, because they don't live, or record, in the area. He also said it can't be a monkee, because they only attack people through old catalogue, and compilation issues - and they won't suddenly disappear.
The Monkee-man is thought to have caused two deaths and attacked 65 people. Police have set up a crack team of officers in an attempt to bring the case to a close. Some officers suspect a gang of four men in masks is responsible for the attacks. But joint commissioner of police Suresh Roy said victims' bite marks belong to an animal - not a human (possibly Stephen Stills in a "copycat" act of revenge for not being cast due to his bad teeth).
Psychologists claim many reported sightings are exaggerated, or fantasy. Dr Rajat, from the Swanchetan Society For Mental Health, said: "People have started showing signs of expecting magical acts from this mythical creature - or, at the very least, another hit."
A witness to one of the attacks in Subhas Vihar said: "The injured persons said that after they were attacked, they saw some lights coming from the Monkee-man's body but, before they could make sense of it, the creature managed to cut to a commercial."

     India's 'Monkee-man' mystery has deepened with Indian police suggesting it is a treacherous Pakistani plot. Top police in Delhi say the terror and hysteria has been created by elements supported by Pakistani spies. The "monster" or "masked, psychopathic pop-star" is designed to create panic, and wear out the Delhi Police, it is claimed. "This whole drama was very carefully enacted by the anti-social elements who wanted to test the nerves of the Delhi Police," said a senior police officer. "It's almost as confusing as 'Head'."
Police have received hundreds of sightings of a kala bandar, or a 'monkee-man', but no one has come up with concrete evidence of its existence. The 'attacks' have been limited to densely populated ghettos of Delhi, the victims were poor and the injuries were only rough scratches.
Veterinary doctors, who examined the victims, are equally baffled, the injuries were caused by some metallic nail, or "Freddie Kruger" gloves, and not by an animal.
But one expert says it is group pathological lying, or 'pseudologia fantastica.' Sanal Edamaruku, of the Indian Rationalist Association, told the Hindustan Enquirer that he visited the affected areas of Delhi and Noida. "It is an acute, situational reaction of the sudden onset of hallucinations. A casual cat, a monkee, a moving shadow of a tree, or even a person's scream can trigger off group panic and subsequent hallucinations… A lot like the movie 'Head' ", he said. "These are cases of an extreme form of pathological lying...this state of mind is called "pseudologia fantastica", Mr. Edamaruku added.

      Indian authorities are trying to quell 'Monkee-man' hysteria by employing counselors to talk to New Delhi residents. Police received more than 80 distress calls last night as people mistook real monkeys, and even a dog, for the Monkee-man. State executive member Abhimanyu Gulati has sent counselors into the community to warn people about believing the rumors. The city has been gripped by rumors of a 'monkee-like' beast, with supernatural powers, attacking people at night.
Police have begun to crack down on jokers who've been fuelling 'Monkee-man' hysteria. They've arrested two people in east Delhi on charges of creating panic. One man was arrested in Shakarpur for throwing doctors' gloves on to the street in an attempt to frighten people, the Hindustan Enquirer reports. Several people were detained when police began visiting 'victims' and questioning residents. Several other people have been beaten up as crowds mistakenly believed they were behind the attacks. There were 10 'Monkee-man' "victims" last night - only three were taken to hospitals with minor scratches and injuries they suffered while fleeing in panic.
Medical experts in New Delhi have been offering advice on what to do in the event of an attack from the Monkee-man. Chief Medical Officer Dr. Anil Bansal says people who get cuts and scratches must take care not to let in infection - amid rabies and tetanus fears. Doctors have told the Hindustan Enquirer they doubt the injuries are being caused by animals. But if they are, then rabies is a concern, and wounds should be washed and left open before a course of anti-rabies injections is undertaken.
Monkee expert Dr. Iqbal Malik says the first thing to do in case of a bite or a scratch is to rinse the wound with soap and water, disinfect, then get a tetanus injection. "And, of course, a photograph of the wound. After the police have finished with it, a nice price could be gotten on eBay." "The best way to avoid an attack is to be where he's not." Malik added. "And the best way to be where he's not is to know where he's been." Police have reluctantly published a "hit map" of the 'Monkee-man's' known top 40 hangouts.

      India's 'Monkee-man' is alleged to have killed directly for the first time by puncturing his victims' skulls via the eardrum. Two Ghaziabad families claim they saw "a shadow", which mysteriously disappeared after the attacks. Until now, the only deaths have happened as people tried to escape from the 'Monkee-man'.
A railway worker and a homeless man were killed within six hours of each other in the town.
Homeless Satyavir had gone into a wood to go to the toilet when he was attacked. His uncle, Rajender, told the Hindustan Enquirer, "When Satyavir did not return after an hour, we started searching for him. He goes quickly - cannot hold it for commercial break" They found his body and were told by witnesses a "shadow" had grappled with him, but then disappeared.
Dr. Deepak, of Narender Mohan Hospital, said, "There were three punctures on the victim's skull, which were two to three inches deep and six inches long - as if by headphones from an Iron Maiden". When they brought him here an hour after the attack, there was no bleeding. There were two fractures on his right hand. There were also linear scratches on the back and abdomen. On the right hip, there was a deep wound."
The second victim, Niranjan, was asleep in a rail workers' house when he was killed. He had wounds in his head, two inches deep and five inches long. "Some linear abrasions were also found on his chest," a doctor said. One of the victim's colleagues said he saw him being attacked by a "shadow".
Three other 'Monkee-man' attacks happened in the same area on Thursday night. Two men and a woman suffered "linear abrasions" in the attacks.

     A doctor has been become the latest participant in 'Monkey Man' mania that has spread across New Delhi. Dr. Narendra Kumar Sagar, from East Delhi, was arrested for allegedly blowing up a rubber glove, throwing it from his window and shouting: "We may be coming to your town!" When a crowd gathered to see the glove, the doctor stamped on it and it burst. He has been charged with attempting to disrupt public order. Officers said he hit upon the practical joke while watching the movie "Head". They say he inflated the rubber glove he was using during the "hotter" scenes that featured Davey, tied it with string, and threw it from his second story balcony on a group of people in the street below.
As the crowd tried to work out what the odd-looking object was, Dr. Sagar allegedly screamed: "Bandar ka haath, bandar ka haath" which roughly translates as, "Ah no, no, no; ah no, no, no."
Word spread quickly around the Ganesh Nagar district and within minutes crowds had converged on the scene to see the 'Monkee-man's' hand.
According to police, Dr. Sagar volunteered to examine the hand. He then stamped on the glove, it burst, and, as the Hindustan Enquirer reports, "The good doctor revealed his collector's cards and went home". But the rumor of the 'sighting' not only did not die down, it spread like wildfire."
The paper adds: "The commotion attracted the police who soon saw through the prank. Dr. Sagar told the police he had indulged in it only to teach his neighbors not to be taken in by the 'Monkee-man' myth. "They'll tour again when the money is right - I swear!" The police, of course, did not see his logic and arrested him."

      Delhi police say they're close to solving the 'Monkee-man' mystery. They say they've narrowed their area of investigation and are confident about making arrests soon. They say they believe the attacks have been committed not by an animal but by four -possibly five - humans involved in mischief. The city's Joint Commissioner of Police, Suresh Roy, told the Hindustan Enquirer "We have already narrowed down our suspicion on the people involved in the mischief. We should be able to end this soon."
An Indian psychiatrist has compared the 'Monkey Man' mystery to a penis-related panic among Nigerian men 10 years ago. Doctor Sandeep Vohra, president of Delhi Psychiatric Society, explains the 'Monkee-man' panic as mass delusion. "Ten years ago, groups of Nigerian men became convinced their genitals would disappear if they touched a stranger, a Beatle, or Elvis.", Dr. Vohra said. "I cannot say whether or not 'Head' had been released in Nigeria - as had "A Hard Day's Night" and "Clambake", but the similarities are too strong to dismiss."
An Indian journalist has accused the police and local government officials in northeast Delhi of contributing to the hysteria, which has led to vigilantes beating up two men and a monkey.
Pankaj Vohra, of the Hindustan Enquirer, says police irresponsibly issued a cartoon sketch of the Monkee-man, and offered a reward for information leading to his capture. (See pictures) He adds the mystery started when an auto rickshaw driver in Ghaziabad claimed a passenger, who changed his appearance during the journey, had attacked him. He says the myth has grown, despite the creature never leaving behind hair, footprints, or autographs.
Mr. Vohra also accused parents of scaring their children. He says one boy appeared on television saying his father told him the Monkee-man was an actor, and couldn't even play his instrument. Another child claimed her parents had told her that he came from another planet in a flying saucer.
The National Human Rights Council says a group of 11 Hindu priests will hold a special prayer ceremony tomorrow to appease the creature.

      Police have arrested a number of hoaxers, and have asked shop owners to report anyone who buys 'Monkee-man' related masks or gloves (for some odd reason, CD sales will not be tabulated).
Sightings of the 'Monkee-man' are said to be reducing after Indian police arrested a dozen people for spreading rumors. Police in New Delhi say they have received more than 260 hoax calls since the phenomenon started last week. People caught spreading rumors will be fined £77, or given six months in jail, reports the Hindustan Enquirer.
A second reward has been offered for information leading to the arrest of the 'Monkee-man'.
The All India Sadbhavna Sangathan is offering around £760. The police are offering a similar amount. The group, which promotes peace and harmony, says people have a duty to help catch the creature and it has offered to pay a reward of 51,000 rupees on top of the police reward of 50,000 rupees. The Hindustan Enquirer says that routine police operations have come to a standstill since the start of the panic.

      In related news, a proposed human/ape love scene has had to be pulled from the forthcoming Planet Of The Apes remake. Rick Baker, the Oscar-winning special effects wizard, says director Tim Burton wanted sexual tension between the two lead characters. Mark Wahlberg's human character and Helena Bonham Carter's simian share a kiss in the film.
Mr. Baker told The New York Daily Times: "Tim wanted her [Bonham Carter] to be sexually attractive to men. But the censors took exception to the scene where Helen stops by Mark's apartment to give him [a video cassette copy of] "Head". I don't see any problem there, but..." Despite rumors of a love scene between the two having been filmed, the plan had to be abandoned. The film is due to be released in the UK on August 17.

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